My breakthrough lies in my surrender

On laying it down at the feet of Jesus

It was a cloudy, gray day at the beginning of March as I clambered tiredly out of the car feeling physically and mentally empty after not eating for 36 hours straight.  

My husband and I had been here before and we were both eerily familiar with the restless silence that simmered beneath the surface before a procedure. 

After checking in at the front desk, a nurse led me back to a room the size of a cubicle and I changed into the light blue and pink checkered gown, surrendering to the fact that I was the patient. 

Two colonoscopies in three years isn’t something a typical 26-year-old experiences. But this is a part of my story and the reality of that slowly sinks in as two nurses wheel me back to surgery.

“Lay it all down – at the feet of Jesus.”

This breath prayer had been my mantra all day, but now – as the wheels turned, and the sound of beeping machines grew nearer – it had become my liturgy. 

Emptiness & the Lenten Season

It’s been three years since the diagnosis of my autoimmune disease. Three years of battling anxiety with every return of a symptom, or the fear that my disease is only getting better so it can get worse again. 

And it’s been three years of knowing that this procedure will probably be a regular rhythm of my life and wellbeing. 

Just six days prior to my scheduled procedure, the Lenten season began. 

I had decided for Lent to join an online Bible study that had us reading through all four Gospels – Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. The point of the study was to pay attention to the inner life and workings of Jesus. 

How did He behave?

How did He relate to people?

How did He live His life on earth?

What were His priorities?

These questions swam through my mind as I sat down on the morning of my colonoscopy, feeling mentally and emotionally desolate, and a bit scared. God’s Word has always put my racing mind and unsettled soul at ease though, so I reached for my Bible and turned to the day’s Lent reading. 

God, in His faithful way of caring for His children, knew exactly what I needed that morning as the words of Matthew 15:29-30 took on a new and powerful meaning:

“Jesus returned to the Sea of Galilee and climbed a hill and sat down. A vast crowd brought to him people who were lame, blind, crippled, those who couldn’t speak, and many others. They laid them before Jesus, and he healed them all.” (NLT)

Jesus sat down

The first thing that the Holy Spirit pointed out to me in this passage was that Jesus sat down. 

As I clutched my Bible in my tired, anxious hands, tears welling up and brimming over, the Holy Spirit reminded me that many of Jesus’ miracles came from a place of His own divine rest. 

Jesus wasn’t afraid to sit. He wasn’t afraid to show His need for rest and I think it’s recorded so often throughout the Gospels as a loud reminder for our hurried hearts to be still and know. 

He lived life at a slower pace, and yet, He accomplished everything His Heavenly Father called Him to do. 

God in the form of man needed to rest too, and His body grew tired and empty, just like mine felt. This reminded me that although God is the powerful almighty, He is never outside the realm of understanding my current situation. 

He knows better than anyone what it feels like to be empty and fatigued. 

A life laid down

The second thing that the Holy Spirit highlighted for me that morning in Matthew 15:29-30 was that the people who came to be healed by Jesus were not healed until they laid themselves at His feet. 

The people received their blessing, they got their breakthrough, only after surrendering what they couldn’t control themselves. 

My tired hands began to shake as this divine revelation pierced through the bleakness of my current situation. 

God was calling me to lay myself down – the whole of my fears and anxieties and the whole of what this day may hold and what I could not control – at His feet. 

My Breakthrough Lies in My Surrender

“Lay it all down – at the feet of Jesus.”

The breath I didn’t even know I had been holding back came rushing into my lungs, and it felt like tangible grace. 

My shoulders relaxed, my hands quit shaking, because it was then I realized that thebreakthrough isn’t in the healing. 

My breakthrough may never come in the form of being physically whole like those people in Matthew 15 who laid themselves at Jesus’ feet.

Because in learning to live a life laid down, I empty my hands so they can be filled back up again with the love, compassion, and power of my Savior. 

In learning to live a life laid down, I learn to behold God’s faithful presence amidst any circumstance I face. 

And His faithful presence is everything I need and more to live a whole and abundant life, healed of this disease or not. 

“Lay it all down – at the feet of Jesus.”

This was my prayer given to me by the Holy Spirit on the day of my procedure, and this prayer will live on in my mind and on my lips all the days of my life. 

It’s a testimony of God’s faithfulness and His ever-present presence in my life. And it will live on as a constant reminder to me that my breakthrough lies in my surrender. 

Celia A. Miller resides in Greenwood, Indiana with her husband, Max, and two furbabies, Henry and Hattie. She’s an avid pursuer of good storytelling and loves to spend her free time getting lost in a good book or movie. Celia is a writer and blogger who aims to help you cultivate an intimate relationship with the Lord by giving you the tools you need to slow down, seek still moments, and behold God’s presence with you in the everyday. She’s the author of a Bible study titled, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, which is available now exclusively on Amazon. If you would like to connect with her, check out her blog at celiaamiller.com or go say hello on Instagram at @celiaamiller.